INT. A WORKSHOP
Dan is building a time machine with Lisa’s help.
LISA
So… isn’t time travel impossible?
DAN
You know, that’s a surprisingly common misconception.
LISA
Is it.
DAN
Turns out it’s really easy.
Can you hand me that wrench?
She hands him a screwdriver.
Dan takes it and uses it anyway, continuing his seemingly random tinkering with the overly complicated machine on the desk.
LISA
Why doesn’t everyone build one then?
DAN
Well, I know something nobody else knows.
LISA
What’s that?
DAN
How to build a time machine.
LISA
How do you know?
DAN
Well, I will know.
LISA
How?
DAN
I just decided that at some point in the future I would travel back in time to right now and give myself all the information I would need to build a time machine.
LISA
But how do you know your future self will know how to travel through time.
DAN
That’s easy. Before he comes back here, my future self will go into the distant future until he finds a time when they’ve already invented time travel. He’ll learn the basic principles, then come back here to teach me.
LISA
That’s ridicul-
She’s interrupted by a flash of blue light. A man with a bald head and a futuristic, sparkly one-piece suit appears. He looks a lot like Dan.
FUTURE DAN
(overly dramatic)
I come from the world of tomorrow to tell you the secrets of time travel!
DAN
(to Lisa)
See?
(to Future Dan)
Welcome to the past. Can I interest you in a beverage?
FUTURE DAN
No thank you. I am in a hurry.
DAN
Ok, I started working on the machine over there.
Future Dan heads over to the work bench, rubbing his hands together.
FUTURE DAN
Alright, let’s make this fast.
He looks at the overly complicated device.
FUTURE DAN (CONT’D)
This is what you came up with?
DAN
I don’t know much about… you know, building things.
FUTURE DAN
What is this, a toaster?
DAN
Yeah, sort of.
LISA
Are you really Dan from the future?
FUTURE DAN
Oh… Hey Lisa. What’s up?
LISA
Hi.
FUTURE DAN
(to Dan)
Hey, is it cool with you if I make out with her?
DAN
Yeah, sure. I mean, you’ve done it before.
LISA
Don’t I get some say in this?
DAN
Come on, he’s me.
LISA
But he’s bald.
FUTURE DAN
We’re all bald in the future. Chicks love it.
LISA
Why don’t you go back to your own time and make out with Future Me?
FUTURE DAN
Yeah… I could totally do that… Any time I wanted to.
DAN
Wait a minute, I know that voice. You’re lying.
FUTURE DAN
I can’t tell you anything about the future. It could destroy the space-time continuum.
DAN
Bullshit. Fess up Future Me.
FUTURE DAN
So, let’s get to work on that time machine, huh?
LISA
If you tell me I’ll make out with you.
Future Dan is torn between his desire to preserve the space-time continuum and his desire to make out with Lisa.
He finally caves in.
FUTURE DAN
Fine. Time machine first though.
LISA
Fine.
A montage, building the machine.
FUTURE DAN
…which is what makes time travel possible.
He tightens a bolt.
FUTURE DAN (CONT’D)
Ok. That should do it.
He straightens his futuristic suit.
FUTURE DAN (CONT’D)
Alright, gotta get back to my own time now. Good luck with the time travel.
LISA
Not so fast.
FUTURE DAN
Oh right, you were going to make out with me. Like you do all the time in the future.
LISA
Tell me what happens first.
FUTURE DAN
No, kiss first.
A brief standoff.
LISA
Fine.
They kiss.
FUTURE DAN
See you later suckers!
He disappears in a flash of blue light.
LISA
I should have seen that coming.
DAN
I’m sorry.
Lisa thinks for a moment.
LISA
Hey, yeah. That asshole was you. I can’t believe you’re gonna do that to me. We are totally breaking up.
She storms out of the room.

DAN
So I’m building a time machine.
LISA
Again?
DAN
Wait. What do you-?
LISA
You built one like a year ago.
DAN
I don’t remember that.
LISA
You started going back in time and messing things up. Stepped on a butterfly in the Jurassic, became your own great-grandfather. You would travel back in time and leave the toilet seat up just to get your past self in trouble with me.
DAN
But-?
LISA
Once the robots took over you realized you were playing with forces you didn’t understand. So you went back and convinced yourself not to build the machine in the first place. That pretty much put everything back to normal. Before you left you told me never to let you build another time machine. You said the future of the Universe depended on it.
DAN
Why don’t I remember any of this?
LISA
Because it never actually happened. The version of you that remembered what happened never came back from the last trip to the past because you prevented yourself from inventing the device that would have brought you back.
DAN
So who am I?
LISA
You’re the alternate version that never invented anything.
DAN
What happened to the other one?
LISA
I guess he disappeared. Along with the robot overlords.
DAN
What was he like?
LISA
(dreamily)
Oh, he was so dashing. And idealistic. Always running around trying to save the world.
DAN
But he ruined it.
LISA
Yeah… But I’ll always love him more.
DAN
Which one of us was better in bed?
LISA
(immediately)
The other one.
DAN
Wow, that’s depressing.
Dan looks crushed.
Lisa cracks up.
LISA
I’m sorry. I can’t keep this up.
DAN
What?
LISA
I was just kidding. You never made a time machine.
DAN
That was mean!
LISA
(still laughing)
I’m sorry. Just don’t go messing with the space time continuum or you could end up with a girlfriend who loves your alternate self more.
DAN
I’ll be careful.